2005-04-13 - 10:55 a.m.

Hey look....a blog. So THIS is what I have missing. Good grief can I neglect a blog or what? It is pure laziness, nothing more, nothing less. Apologies.

Oh where do I begin.....we'll first venture into the world of being the owner of multiple pets. 5 cats. 5 nuerotic cats. 5 totally insane, flying, furry stinkin animals. I love the fact that they make squirt bottles. I hate that it takes at LEAST 2 years for kittenhood to wear off. My cats are crazy, yet entertaining in the same sense. While their 2 am scampers from one end of the house to the other (where we sleep) are wearing on me...they have those cute moments that remind me WHY I like cats. I wonder if they plot against us somehow. Yesterday, I come home after my husband and he informed me of the latest attempt to make the owners disgruntled. They cleared the counter top (toaster, coffee pot, other misc items) AND climbed the mini-blinds over his desk. He said they were all twisted....probably because the stupid furball who did it jumped up there before realizing mini-blinds are NOT stable climbing surfaces and WILL collapse. Morons. We have removed the glass form our front strom door. And the cats collectively shout....WOO HOO!! And I thought it was because they could sit there, looking out at the birds smelling the outdoors. Boy was I in some cloud. The screen is the new and improved climbing wall. EXCUSE ME!!! I look over to see my precious kitty flipping the tail back and forth in pleasure then out of no where....WEEEEE...a flying leap straight up and clings to the screen. At the TOP. A 7 ft door. How can they do that? They have those springs in their legs I guess. Wish I had those so I could reach items on the top shelf when my husband isn't home without having to drag a 50lb chair across the house. I'm positive the cats all laugh at me. What else would they be doing sitting there watching me in amazement. Probably thinking, stupid humans. So we invested in squirt bottles, because I would hate for my husband to get an anurism when the cats hang off the door in the future. They work well. A good 20 ft stream. Gives new meaning to lazy discipline.

On to my 8 year old. He has decided Boy Scouts are not fun. I have to say I agreed. He isn't the rough and tumble kid that most Boy Scouts are. He's the bookworm. So we signed him up for Martial Arts. DING DING DING!!! We found something he LOVES. I'm so thankful. He is having a great time with this and making new friends. I like watching in on him when he doesn't know. He is growing up so fast and I'm so thankful for sucha wonderful little boy.

Other than that.....things are well. I am working and must stop typing for now. Curious ears wonder what all the clickety clack is about in here...LOL.

2005-02-17 - 7:45 p.m.

Finally I get a chance to sit and type some about what has been going on in my life, I mean dag it's been what.....15 days? 19 days? I can't remember what it said. I have been battling this snot thing and I'm SICK AND TIRED OF SNEEZING!!!! I have done everything I can think of aside from going to the doctor. I am waiting to get health insurance then I will go to the doctor. Probably something to do with allergies. I dunno 5 cats in the house MIGHT have something to do with it.

I'm still married! Well, to me that means something. People get divorced like crazy and for silly things anymore. It boggles my mind and then I hear of people who are having affairs and boasting about it. I shudder at the thought. The last couple months have been very tough in the emotional department of marriage for me. There are so many things I'm learning about my husband I never knew and vice-versa. Communication is the most important thing in marriage. Satan will use it against you as well. While it is very important to communicate with your spouse, it is never OK to destroy your spouse with words. And that is a form of communication. Although my marriage hasn't seen that extreme, praise God...IF we were to just go on arguing and not allowing God to be the center...we would end up at that point. I have learned that it isn't all about ME and MY feelings that were hurt. I need to serve my husband and make sure his needs are met and stop focusing on his negative aspects. Focusing on his positives will bring about a positive attitude when dealing with my hubby.

During some of the most emotional moments when we were fighting and not talking at all.....I had some good crys and talks with God. In that I saw where I had been back-sliding in my walk and not spending enough time with my Father. He teaches and I haven't been seeking His will on anything, thereofre setting the battleground clear for Satan to begin his work. And boy did Satan get that foothold on my self esteem. Satan ALMOST had mr convinced that my life was a big fat joke and everyone around me was in on it. Not a very happy place to be. I envisioned myself as a little 2 year old who just made the BIGGEST mess in the kitchen and Mommy came in and I was looking up with the "oh PLEASE don't be mad" eyes. My Spirit was longing for time with the Father. I was so sad and broken. But it was a sadness with a glimmer of hope in it, because now I'm a Christian and I go to God in these times for strength. ANd He IS my tower of strength and refuge. I thank Him for always being there and getting me through these difficult times.

2005-02-02 - 8:05 a.m.

Never would I have thought I'd feel this weak and broken again in my life. How foolish of me. But, thank God for His grace and mercy. The old saying, Nothing is as it seems...rings so true anymore. How much we envision things to be a certain way and then everything comes out so different. And we end up broken and disappointed. So, we cry and beg for God to end the hurt for us and make everything better. And He does. In His time. But, I know this.....I have been hurt and let down so much by people and I find the greatest comfort in my Lord that He will never leave me or let me down, or hurt me. I cannot WAIT to go home to be with Him. The burdens of this life seem so tremendous at times and we know we can give them to God, yet we chose to carry them until we are so tired and worn out. And the tiredness of being the bearer of these burdens creates conflict in our lives, we become irritated and tend to over-react and hurt others sometimes without realizing we have. What a cycle we go through. I get dizzy thinking about it. He picks us up off the ground, dusts us off and tells us...it isn't too bad.....there's no blood. Then that's starts me thinking....no blood....Jesus spilled ALL of His blood and yet...kept going.

2005-01-27 - 10:25 a.m.

Humble is the word I chose to describe how I feel this moment. Peace....a peace I can't describe. I had the chance to have a chat with an incrediblly spirtual woman last evening and we talked about everything from being saved to movies and church. I have this peace about me today that says, God has blessed me so much. I have a car to get to work, I have a home to live in that is warm at night. I have a blanket to snuggle under with my husband. I have a son who is smart, funny and healthy. He can go to school and learn to read and write. On the other side of the world, childern are being sold for sex on the black market. Mine is home safe at night. On the other side of the world, families are in search of a newspaper to cover up with. Not to mention being infected with all kinds of germs from sleeping on the ground, drinking contaminated water because clean water is no where to be found, yet we go to the tap, lift it up and out comes clean, healthy water to drink. We can take showers daily when some people haven't seen soap ever. Hard to believe we take all of this for granted every single day, but we all do. We go to the toilet. Some go to the woods. My heart goes out to those who live life in the TRUE survival mode all the time. Fearful that someone might kill them or their kids. I think about all of this and it saddens me that I have complained about a dirty dish when I pull it out of the dishwasher. Or that I get upset because the cats climb on me in my sleep. Or that it is cold outside. Or my food just isn't right when I go out to eat. Shame on me. I should be eternally grateful for every single thing in my life and not find fault in anything. Simply find the positives in it. And the same with the people in my life. Judging them in my mind is a sin and not my place. Finding fault in them is not what Jesus wants me to do. So, I ask Lord please forgive me of all these sins I have commited so often and Lord THANK YOU for all my many blessings.

2005-01-23 - 3:26 p.m.

It has been a very long time since I blogged about anything . Mostly because I haven't had internet or time for that matter. I'm on DSL now which is new for me. I like it. I can't really tell the difference. I guess I'm not a big enough nerd or something. Oh well.

Still adjusting to mawwige. It is bliss. I love being married. I think the biggest adjustment is the moving in part. Blending "stuff". And there is ALOT of stuff to be blended. I'm willing to sacrifice much though. It's only stuff.

I have been SICK and snotty and yukky. I've decided that it is because of my allergies. We now have 5 cats and a house FULL of dust. See, my beloved hates to dust , therefore he DIDN'T for a long time. SO, needless to say we have 5 cats, tornado clouds of dust when I clean, etc....bless his heart. Dusting does suck, but it is neccesary. Especially since my son and I have asthma.

We had some ice this weekend. APparently it didn't effect the areas we travel to most of the time and it probably appears to some that we ditched church today. Our driveway is a 4 wheeling experience in DRY conditions and anyways we all know that nothing drives on ice. Unless you have spikes on your tires. Which we don't. Cannot afford that luxury and besides there really isn't anything that ranks on the importance scale for us TO buy them. (that was an unimportant thought, very random and left field)

SO, in my moving in experience or should I say adventure. HEHE. My husband is anal to say the least and anything that is moved to changed can confuse him. (I think it is confusion) Anyhow, today...I'm vacuuming around the fireplace and eyeing at HOW I can make it look "pretty". Beloved is at the computer looking at me looking. He says....uh HUH! I see you "moving the plant in". I have a rubber tree that has not been properly placed in a good spot for light, etc. SO, I was "making room" for the plant to go under the window next to the fireplace. I was extremely proud of my hubby for not getting upset at me. I moved a few things around and we joked about it. But the whole "moving the plant in" thing was just too funny. Guess you had to be there.

I'm feeling the effects of the Sudafed allergy meds now. SO I think I will go lay down.

2004-12-29 - 10:02 p.m.

I want to first give a shout out to God and all His glory. I LOVE God and I'm SO thankful for all that He has done in my life. He has transformed me into what He created me to be. I will not be perfect until I go home and I'm so awaiting that day. The truth is, He IS coming soon. The tragedy in Asia proves that. 100,000 people GONE. In minutes. Gone. No warning. Makes me think about where I am with God myself and am I ready for that in a flash moment. The Bible speaks of how Christ will come back like a theif in the night. I know I'm longing for that oh so glorious day when Christ comes back for His church. My heart aches for Him. I want to be ready in every way.

I sent out an e-mail from work that my boss sent to me. It was about knowing Jesus and being ready for His coming. I was surprised at the attacks I got back from that e-mail. Replys like...I don't believe in God, please do not send me anymore religious e-mail. People telling me that that kind of e-amil is inappropriate for business e-mail. How sad. That they feel like God is inappropriate. It broke my heart to read those responses. I know that even in my days before I was a Christian I wouldn't have responded to an e-mail in that manner. But it is a reality for so many in this world. And that e-mail said it all the ways it needed to be said. Are YOU ready? Will you be at the gates and hear those dreaded words.....Depart from me...I know you not. THAT is the most heart breaking phrase. Even thinking about hearing that makes me cringe. I'm so glad I know Christ and I may not have the best relationship with Him, but I strive for it and I'm seeking His will. My heart crys out to Him all the time and I find such a peace in Him no one could describe. I'm getting married in 2 days. I'm THRILLED. This is the man I have loved in a way I never thought could be possible. I asked God to teach me to love like He loves. I feel one with this man and can't wait to become his bride. Satan knows very well how awesome this marriage will be and he is trying every way possible to get in and destroy. I've got three words for Satan. GO TO HELL. I feel weary some days in this battle and all I want to do is go home to my Father in Heaven and be at peace forever more. But I know God isn't finished with me here on earth. In this land of hate and torment. I'm so thankful for the gift of the Holy Spirit. I would definetly be crushed if I didn't have Him dwelling in me. Everyday we are closer to this marriage, the tension gets thicker. Satan is hard at work here. It is up to me to be armed and ready. I have the best defense in front of me. Jesus Christ goes before me. I am not alone in this battle. For whatever one does to me, they do to Him first. What a fantastic hope in Jesus we have. I will cling to that forever.

I've got the dress, the jewelry, the license and the man. I'm ready for marriage in the physical sense. The next 2 days I will prepare myself spiritually for this. I have been preparing myself all along, but in the last moments I must be at total peace. Satan has tried to stir up alot and cause waves. It is time to push Satan aside and be at peace in my Father's arms. I know I am not guaranteed tomorrow. But if it be the Lord's will...I want to marry this man. I think in the wake of something good and God led...Satan will do everything in His power to destroy and all sorts of things will come up making it seem hopeless. A fine test of our spritual strength. I'm determined to take that stand against Satan.

On to more funny issues. My cat just farted and because it REEKS like it does.....he climbed up the blinds. Literally. What a freak. Smells like cat buttocks in here now. ICK. Which leads me to the next issue. 5 cats we will have after I move in with Bobby. 5. Count them .....3 females 2 males. Both males are fixed. 2 females are not. Can I get a collective REEEERRR. Are we INSANE???? Female cats alone are enough tot drive you nuts, but 2 that are in heat all the time???? Oh my goodness. Break out the earplugs and bandaids. And someone cork my cat's butt for crying in a bucket. SHUUU WEEEE. I'm dying here. ACK ACK.

Ok, well.....I"M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will probably blog after. If I get a moment (hehe)

2004-12-21 - 9:44 p.m.

Oh how truely blessed I am in every way. Tonight we had our group Christmas party and what a blast it was. Family and friends gathered and tons of laughter. Plenty of FOOD. I'm so bloated still. But I can't help but think of how under fed so many are this season. I can remember a few years back I had no food in my home for me and my son at Christmas. I ate at my Mom's alot and I did have some Ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese dinners. But my pantry was empty for the most part with a few spagetti noodles scattered about the shelf. My fridge had a carton of milk and butter. Some ketchup and mustard. Nothing to really make a dinner with. I was sad and afraid I'd never be able to provide a full pantry. No Christmas tree or ornaments or presents. I can remember crying myself to sleep each night. I lived in a run down trailer. Yet, I was so much more blessed than most. Hard to imagine. Then God showed up. I wasn't a Christian back then, but He showed up. I worked at the local auto auction and a man that worked on the cars had asked me in passing one day what I had planned for Christmas and I couldn't hide that I had no plans or money. I couldn't hold back tears anytime anyone asked. He then reminded me of the dinner his company was hosting for the account reps. He asked if I'd be there. I said yes and I went. It was this VERY expensive restaurant. Before we went in, this man pulled up and said....come over here to my truck I have something for you. Curious....I went. He bought me a tree, ornaments, toys for my son and lights. He loaded it all in my car. He said.....I have one more gift for you but I need to know where you live so I can bring it. Totally speechless.....I managed to give him directions. We enjoyed a delightful meal with everyone and the next day he arrived at my house with bags and bags of food. He had gone grocery shopping. He carried it all into my house and with a simple wink he said...Merry Christmas. And he left. His name is Tom. Not too long before this...his wife gave birth to their second child. He had Down's Syndrome and was very ill. I remember Tom crying alot when he found out. He told me he was blessed. And he blessed me. I still have that tree and the ornaments. I will always keep them. They were a gift from God. That was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. My son got presents to open. While I know that Christmas is not about the presents....I knew that then as well. But now I'm a Christian and looking back on that time of my life and how rough I had it. I still remember the feeling of worthlessness. Shame and lonliness consumed me. So, now when I feel like complaining about how tough life is....I think back on those days. And how far God has brought me. WOW. I'm going to be married in 10 days. To the most beautiful man of God. A man who truley respects me for me and not what I can offer him. I sit here thinking alot about my life before Christ. And my life now. A true miracle. Only God can accomplish this. I give God all the credit for the changes he has made in me. I will never be perfect. And in realizing this about myself I'm finding it easier to accept alot of things I see in others as well. Realizing I need to choose my battles and not let little things mess with me. Satan wants that more than anything. I have heard that the best remedy for any ailment is knowledge. For asthma, knowing everything you can about it is the best line of defense. This is true for your spiritual life as well. Satan will destroy you in a matter of seconds if you don't know what to do. Everything we need to fight Satan is found in the power of Jesus Christ and in the Word of God. So many marriages fail and it because couples let Satan in and sometimes really don't know it. Knowing when Satan is attacking is so important. Keeping a close relationship with Jesus Christ and walking ever so close in His footprints will prevent those waves Satan throws at us from washing away the path we follow. While I was on the beach in October...I was walking behind Bobby in his footprints. We were right on the waters edge. I was a pretty good distance behind him and the further I got...the harder it was to see where he had stepped. I lost the track. I looked up....he had stopped to wait for me to catch up. At that moment, it was if Jesus was standing there waiting for me to catch up to Him. I believe that in our lives we sometimes walk a little slower than Jesus. We fall behind and the further behind we get the fainter his footprints are. But, He will always stop and wait for us. He loves us THAT much. I sometimes cannot even imagine that Love. He is so patient with us. He isn't pointing fingers in our faces yelling. He opens His arms and says come home. I love knowing Jesus. I love having Him right there always as my shelter. And sometimes I feel like I just want to go on home. SOmetimes life gets so hard and trying. I get weary and weak. I cry to Him and He comforts me. He knows what it is like to be here on this earth. To be surrounded by sin and hate. To be right in the thick of it all. He accepted ALL of us. Not just this one or that one. But the lowliest of us. He said...I'll take that hit for you. Even while I was still a thought in God's mind. What an amazing love. What an amazing man. And I owe my life to Him. And I surrender to Him daily.

2004-12-14 - 9:35 p.m.

How great is our God......how awesome He is and how He moves in our lives and the blood of Christ covers all of our sin. Restores our souls so that we grieve no more. Sitting here thinking about how in 16 days I will commit my life to a man who has stood up and shown me what a real man is and has loved me and my son. I honestly believed in my heart for a long time I would never find a man who could be true and respectful. I've not dated anyone in my life who had these qualities. From the day we met he has been my best friend in every way. I have been able to trust him from that moment with no doubts. I knew in my heart that I loved this man. I prayed and prayed that God would let this man be in my life for as long I live. It's about to happen. All of my fears and doubts of ever having a real man in my life have been removed. In this big world of cheating, lieing, theifs and villans..there he was. When I'm with him I feel so safe. I miss him terribly when we are apart. I won't have to sleep alone anymore. I won'thave to come home to a quiet, empty apartment. While I know God is always there to be my comfort.....there has always been the longing for a warm body to hold on to. And to find a man who loves God as much as I do is the biggest blessing.

I couldn't be more thrilled to marry this man. I feel honored.

2004-12-02 - 9:57 p.m.

The question of the day.....

How do 3 cats take a glass Christmas ornament off the tree and cause it to explode all over the living room into teeny tiny slivers? I asked them and they looked at me with halos glowing, blinking as if to say..."what?" (little fur rats)

My toilet is fixed FINALLY. I'm still afraid to flush it. This fear dates back to the age of 4. I was at my Grandmother's house and in her basement was the demon toilet. I used the potty and flushed it like a good little girl. The potty DID NOT want to be flushed. It made this horrific noise and spewed water everywhere. Needless to say I ran screaming. 4 years old, what do you expect? I was small enough to be flushed down the toilet. And it was MAD at me. For several years after that ...I refused to flush toilets. Then, during a time I lived in Florida, we lived in this apartment complex that was adding on. Everyday at some point they would have to shut off the water to work on plumbing. When we turned on faucets later in the day...air was in the lines and that in itself will terrify a small child. I thought there were demons living in pipes. Therefore, I became terrified of plumbing. Alll faucets and toilets were BAD. This drove my mother insane. While I know now that there are no demons in the plumbing...I still am very cautious.

Tonight I had the oppertunity to enjoy our church's dinner theater. What a fantastic performance. In the beginning, my 7 year old decided to have his own DRAMA. UGH. Right after we ate, he went with his friend to help hand out flyers. When it was time to start, I found him playing and told him he could remain playing provided he stayed in the room he was in. He's well-behaved and didn't see and reason to not let him play. Well, he comes flying into the worship center through the crowd, tears flowing. Jumping up and down...."MY BELLY HURTS MOMMY" I try desperatly to make him calm down, and tell him to go potty. See, when he has "issues" he will announce it instead of simply going to the bathroom. He was in and out 5 times and I had had enough. THEN...one of the security guys comes in and says....I can't give him any medicine without your permission. ??!!!??? WHAT??? I get up and go out. I know my child. He did not NEED any medicine. He needed to poop. I took him into the bathroom. Told him to go. He stood there. "I need medicine" No, son...you need to poop. Please do so. No, Mommy. Ok..so we'll go home. I get the coats.....ALL BETTER INSTANTLY. (who knew). I was embarassed. I'm sure other people thought I was cruel, but when you deal with this SAME situation weekly, it gets old. We went to our seats and he was FINE. Attention. Granted he may have had a little belly issue. He over reacts. Now comes the knowing how to correct this. Motherhood. I guess I'm not the typical mother who ooohs and awwws over a belly ache. I'm sure there were whispers. OH WELL. He is not dying. See, we learn the crys..the whimpers and laughs. Which ones are for which hurt. Which laugh is for sneaky and which one is for funny. I have to say..I just love being a Mom. I know when I'm the one in the stall of the bathroom listening to another Mom scold her youngin....I giggle inside.And it is because of THAT giggle...I get the poop drama. GO FIGURE.

Now comes the time when I must try to lay down and hope my cats are tired as well.

2004-12-01 - 7:52 p.m.

You better not pout....
You better not cry....
You better not pee on the toilet seat, I'm tellin you why.....

Mommy will go crazy...her eyes will POP out of her head.

Ever watch Bill Cosby? Himself? If not...a must see. In this video he describes what happens to us as mothers. After giving birth to children and raising them past 1 year old....we have the ability to spin our heads in a 360 degree circle multiple times. We can scream louder than when we were 5. We can stomp our feet louder than fans at a hockey game. Our children all the while are telling the other kids...psst....last night my Mom morphed into this alien being and her eyes were like fire. (ROTF)

Ok, so Monday morning began with me sitting in pee on the toilet seat. See, my son and I do NOT share a bathroom, for this very reason. However, my toilet is broken. (still...and I'll address that later) So, I wake up at 5:30 and stumble to HIS bathroom. Mostly asleep I wasn't thinking that the toilet I was about to sit in was that of a 7 year old. TOO LATE even if I HAD thought of it. I grind my teeth. Clean everything up. Praise God I have a toilet to begin with. Exit the bathroom with the ever famous....BRANDON!!!!!!!!! Those big brown babydoll eyes with the longest eyelashes you have ever seen approach me slowly. Hands loosely behind his back head pointed down but eyes looking up. MOMS KNOW THIS LOOK. I slowly through my teeth TRY to ask nicely....why didn't you lift the seat? He said nothing. He was ASCARED. I leaned in.....said....we don't PEE ON TOILETS....WE PEE IN THEM for the 14th time!!!! He says...uh huh. I'm telling you he was like.....oh my goodness....my mother is transforming. I will remain silent. (smart little male)

So....from there it became one thing after another. Work...and various other details in life falling into that pile of "it doesn't matters".

Today is Wednesday and the toilet is STILL not fixed. I rent, therefore landlord is responsible. Phone calls were made. 2, in fact. Still nothing. I am, however better trained in looking for pee at 3 am :-) so I guess that is a plus.

I'm getting married and I couldn't be more excited!!! I'm going dress shopping with my fiance's sister who by the way is my Maid of Honor. What an angel she is and I know that being a part of her brother's wedding in this way is special to her. She has been my sister in Christ the last year and has helped cope with MANY issues. I LOVE YOU BONNNIE!!!!

With that said...I'm going to do some more dress browsing :-)

2004-11-27 - 3:34 p.m.

Happy Thanksgiving belated. I had a very nice time with some family I hadn't seen in a long time and it was so nice. We had a very enjoyable dinner and my fiance and his son were also present. They had a good time as well. My family was nice to them (which is good). not that my family would be mean to them, but I hadn't been around the family in a long time and they haven't been around me since I was saved. I hope that all the bad things that were said and done in the past are forgiven. It seems they are.

Then Friday, we took the kids to a museum in Durham which was alot of fun and we played Kapla and walked through the butterfly house. Very kewl. God is very awesome in all of his creations.

To top off the holiday, my fiance and I enjoyed a Michael W. Smith concert with Point of Grace and The Katinas. How incerdibaly awesome God truely is. What a blessing to be able to enjoy an evening in song to get into the holiday spirit.

Today I'm chillin. Laundry, went through my son's room to remove a bunch of toys he no longer plays with and such. I'm getting married and there will be alot of getting rid of stuff. Sort of bittersweet. But....it is a big change. It has been Brandon and I. I have always wanted a family and a husband. It's the little details of it all we never think about. Or at least I don't. No need to...God will take care of everything.

2004-11-23 - 9:54 p.m.

THANKS ALOT EVE!!!!!!!! I MEAN.....

PMS SUCKS. I have been on the roating stick over a hormonal fire ALL DAY!!!! Everything is ticking me off. The things I usually do not even care about pissed me off today. And it is only hormones. PMS. The curse. Some women might use this to their advantage. I however dislike it. It stinks even worse because this is supposed to be a very very happy time right now. I'm getting married!!!! But NO..I"m irritated at everything under the sun. I'm almost at the point where I want to be left ALONE right now. I'm glad this is only a short phase. I do not like to be alone very long. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings either.

Whew. I just need to go to bed.

2004-11-20 - 6:53 p.m.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't BELIEVE I'm actually getting married!!! Well, I CAN, but I honestly didn't think it would be so soon. I"m happy about it , of course. A man who has been my friend for the last 11 months. We have kept things on that level and not really expected anything from each other except respect for one another. I, have been in love with him for MANY months. A love that isn't the typical love. I asked God to show me how to love like He loves. To see beneath the surface and not focus on the details too much. Funny, because the man I'm going to marry does enough of it for both of us...LOL. I'm looking foward to this experience. When I got married before, it was the court house type. Quick....and not full of feeling. Sort of like something you HAD to do. Then 5 months later we were seperated. (can you tell God wasn't in THAT one?) This time...I get to really understand what it is to make the life long commitment to the one and only true love. A man who I honor and respect in ways I never knew I could. God has blessed me in a tremendous way by allowing this man to enter my life. I cannot wait to walk down the aisle and put my hands in his. To tell him that I will love and honor him until the death. I feel sometimes as if I do not deserve the love I receive from him. Much like I sometimes do not feel as if I deserve the love I receive from God. I feel like the absolute luckiest girl in the world.

This man has taught me so much about what a real man is about and how a real man treats a woman. I honestly had a very disturbing view of what a relationship was about. Simply because I had never seen nor had a real man around. I have been beaten and shacked up with the most cruel and twisted of men. I promised myself when I fell in love with this one, that I was going to let God be the guide. I prayed and cried and begged God to teach me. He has taught me. He is still teaching me. I will always be taught.

The COOLEST thing about it all......our first kiss will be at the alter. We decided that would be the most AWESOME thing. It is so very rare that couples ever do that. It was so very hard to hold back when he gave me the ring. I kissed him on the cheek, though. I told him when he gave me a date thst I did not need a ring. I know that money is tight for the both of us and I don't need a diamond to know he loves me. I just need HIM. But, he felt led to buy a ring and so....he got down on his knee IN THE JEWELRY STORE...(I have pics). I was just jumping up and down like a little kid. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

SO, on another note...my child made putty with his Grandmother last night. This stuff is KEWL!!!!! Mixing Elmer's Glue and water. Very kewl. I like playing with it too. He spent the night with my mother last night and woke up this morning with a bloody nose. Bless his heart. He has been sick along with me. His nose has been so raw from blowing it all the time and I guess he rubbed a scab off and began bleeding. His is fine. He is currently driving his matchbox cars through his putty.

I'm going to go lay down and read some in Romans this evening. I have been on the most INTENSE roller coaster this week and it is time to relax and be with God.

2004-11-10 - 9:24 p.m.

Ok, so it has been awhile. And alot has occured in my life and I do believe I'm under INTENSE trial from God at the moment. We all have our burdens to carry. We all have our storms and to each of us, our pain is real. Loved ones can comfort you through it andmake you smile and give encouraging words. But, when you go home at night and it is you and God, there is NO WAY you can be fake. Although I do not put on a fake mask and walk around. My stress shows, but I try hard to not let it show. All I could do tonight at church was cry, when no one was looking of course. Except the senior minister, but I walked quickly away from him too. I am having to make the most incredibally hard decision ever. To not allow my son to go to his father's home anymore due to the living conditions there. The things that are going on over there. I have to get a lawyer. And hearing the possible cost from the senior minister sent me into a major heartbreak. This is where I'm letting go and letting God. I told my son the truth as well. He seemed OK. Relieved somewhat too. That was not the hard part. Believe it or not. The hard part is knowing that his father needs Jesus in his life and I don't know how to help him. Feeling powerless to help. I pray and pray. I don't want to tell him what I have to tell him. Lord knows I hurt him enough with alot of things I did in the past. I would love for him to clean up his act and be a father to his son. But I cannot control that. When I think about it all on the big picture end...I just can't believe I'm living this nightmare. This is NOT what I had pictured for me. I know that God has His glorious plan for us. I trust Him. But I still feel sad about it all. My prayer now is for God to comfort the sadness. I'm sick to my stomach, and can't stop crying. I just want the heartache to go away. My heart hurts for Shawn. I have tasted the love of God and I know His mercy and grace is big enough for all of his heart, cold as it is. I wish he knew. I wish he would come to Christ. I am aware that we cannot force anyone. I gave him some stuff to think on. He has seen the changes in my life. It all boils down to what my son told me tonight. He only wants to be around Christians. The people at his Daddy's aren't Christians. Amazing how a 7 year old can read people. I think it is pretty amazing that he can tell the difference.

On a lighter note.....my cats went shopping today. (explains the empty piggy bank). I came home and found a large cat jungle gym like thing in the middle of the living room floor. AND...their food dish was overflowing. So it seems they have figured out how to feed themselves. PERFECT! All I need to do is hope they learn to use the toilet and they will be completely self sufficient. :-) My little male kitten will lose his manhood tomorrow. I laughingly told him this evening as he was "grooming".....enjoy while you can HEHEHEHE (evil laugh). He is the wildest cat I have ever had. I'm hoping the surgery will reduce his desire to climb EVERYTHING. And I'm hoping he'll decide that chasing my female around is no longer neccesary. One can only hope. The screeches at night and yowls have GOT to stop. I am now locking all cats out of the bedroom at night. They have this incredible facination with my hair ties. I HIDE them and the clever little furballs FIND THEM. And what is with the facination with the bathtub? I mean, I don't get my hand off the knob 1 second and BLAM! Kitties in the tub as soon as the shower cuts off. They literally stalk me. Sit between the 2 shower curtains on the side of the tub waiting. They LICK up every drop. YUK!!!! And what makes it even more gross, is later on, there they are...licking ME with the sandpaper tongues. ????? I don't get that at all. DOGS lick people. Cats are snobs.

I just got the call...my boss is officially pushing....she has twins!!!! And she made it to 10 centimeters!!! Pray that everything goes well with them.

2004-10-31 - 9:50 p.m.

Satan is a JERK. I'm so SICK of him and his little sneaky dirty ways. He has attacked me so much this weekend and I'm so emotionally exhausted I can barely think straight. I have not smoked or drank or anything of the like because of his attacks. Although I have wanted to. Smoking wasn't an issue as much as having a drink to relax. I had a temper tantrum today and it scared me. I felt that rage I hadn't felt in so long and had thought left me. It was very brief thank GOD. But....the fact that it showed it's face made me realize how much MORE I need to be closer to my God. Obviously I hadn't been walking as close as I should have been. And Satan has found every way possible to get in. Using ALL of my weaknesses to get to me. Even as far as trying to convince me that I'm so ugly and fat and no one cares to see my face. WHAT IS THAT?????? I cried out to God to take those feelings from me. I wish I didn't have to feel that way. I hate it. I'm glad I have Christ as my rock to hold on to during those times. He is strong enough. I think at times I find myself trying to fight a battle that isn't mine to fight. In the big picture....I have it together. But take that magnifying glass to me and you will see how shattered I really am inside. For the big stuff....I give God control. For the little things no one sees....I hold on to. And of course I'm failing at trying to make them something that they were never ment to be. Why do I sit and think so much about what people think or say about me? Why do I replay every conversation over and over in my head driving myself crazy inside because I"m terrified I may have said something to hurt someone? Why do I replay every second of everyday at all? I try to pick apart too much that I'm leaving too many loopholes for Satan and he is finding them and getting all tangled up in me. Like a weaving loom that hasn't been tightened. Too much slack....not enough God .....I am so weak. I cannot do this without Him in my life. He said we would suffer. When I wasn't in Christ...these things didn't affect me as they do now that I have conviction in me. I'm in this spot where I feel so sad inside, but part of it is a joyful sadness...if that makes any sense at all.

I think I'm such a profectionist at times that I get too hard on myself when I don't do it right.....when I trip a little and get a little far from Christ. I beat myself up instead I need to just run back. I praise God that I have not fallen back. I have been close enough that when I trip...I can grab onto His hand so as to not fall. I thank Him for that hand and it is always right there. Never have to worry whether or not He will be there to catch us. His love is unfailing. In the times when I feel as I do right now I know I'm being loved by Him through it all. He knows what it is like to feel all alone. This world is the lonliest place I think there ever was or will be. I have been spending alot of time trying to figure out how to stop depending on people for emotional support to the degree that Christ gives it. I know that no human can ever possibly be that which Christ is to us. There is absolutly no comparison. But, I think because we can physically SEE people and they can be right there to meet the physical need of sight and touch, etc... we depend too much on them for satisfaction. I know that I do this way too much and the end result is hurt and feeling like I'm not worth anything. I read too much into people's reactions and body language and how they talk to me, etc. I pray that God remove that from me. It doesn't MATTER. It really doesn't at all. I need to be worrying more about how I can serve Him. This is a tiring walk. He didn't say it was easy. It is a narrow path and finding someone who understands me totally is going to be so hard to do. I know that Christ gets me totally. After all......it is He alone who knows every hair on my head and He created every cell in my body and made me who I am because He loves me and He had the vision of me before I was created. He knew every breath I'd take before I was concieved. And I'm worried about stuff. :-/

This all may sound so depressing, but please know I'm not trying to depress anyone at all and I know what I need to do. Alot of prayers would be great. I think we all have days and times of despair in our lives and we get weary and tired, but knowing that our Lord Jesus Christ is carrying us through it....makes it all feel so much better. He carried a cross for us. He stood in the gap for us. When I was partaking of the Lord's Supper this morning....I had the image of Christ holding my hand and leading me to the throne of Grace so that I could talk to the Father. For me it symbolized the fact that Jesus took upon Him all of the punishments we deserved so that we would be worthy to speak to the Father and be saved. So, each time we go to the Father, Christ is our way...holding on to us as if to say to the Father....please hear this one. Oh that love is so amazing and I just cannot begin to describe the overwhelming feelings I have when trying to imagine how great our God is.

2004-10-17 - 8:40 p.m.

I have had the most AMAZING past 3 days in my life. I will not get into it all on this page because I JUST got home and I'm WIPED OUT. Short version: God is an AWESOME God. I'm in love with a man who loves me BACK!!! And this is REAL love , not that mushy gushy puppy love. That is why it is so special. More on that topic later as well. Just wanted to say HI and I'll write more later on.

2004-10-10 - 10:31 p.m.

Facedown......that is how we will be. He is all powerful, merciful, gracious, perfect in everyway. More than I can imagine. I realized today that I have slipped back from where I was...I had been taking a break.....and it was breaking my heart. How easily Satan lures us away. How easy it is to take your focus away from God for even a second and not realize that the second had turned into days and weeks, etc...then you feel the Spirit yearning for fellowship with the Father inside of you. It blows my mind how I can find pleasures in wordly things and put God second when I KNOW that this world could NEVER fill me like Christ has. The peace and joy I have in Christ is more than I can explain. Spending time in worship and prayer with my Father in heaven leaves me feeling just overwhelmed with love and peace and I cannot understand WHY I am led astray. I know Satan is crafty, I know that I am outnumbered in this place. But once you taste.....you want MORE. I hadn't realized it, but I was slowly setting God aside. While I was getting in the word, singing to Him like I do in my car, etc. I wasn't serving Him. I wasn't doing anything to further the kingdom. I had become stagnant. Stale. Complacent......I heard Him calling me back. He spoke through many people today. One particular gentleman who was giving the prayer before service. And older man who absolutly loves God. His prayer broke me down...here was a man who has been on this earth a very long time. You could hear the wisdom and faith in his voice as he spoke to our Father in heaven. Made me want to spend more time with people who have known the Lord and who have grown up in Him.

I'm thankful for being forgiven....for being saved....for Christ on the cross....for the blood shed for my sin. Each and every sin.......I am not worthy.....Christ wanted me to be worthy.....He loved me so much that He took that punishment for me. And forever I will remain facedown and I will worship Him and I will live for Him. And Him alone.

2004-10-07 - 9:02 p.m.

I get the MOO award for today....yes I am giving MYSELF an award. I am eating the SECOND piece of pumkin pie in 10 minutes. My reasoning: It will go bad if someone doesn't eat it. And you just CANNOT throw away pumkin pie. Sorry....that IS somewhere under the sins. HAS to be. Something like....mistreating pumkins or something? (ya OK Nemo....we CARVE them)

I'm rambling on to the most LAZY thing I have ever heard or seen in my life. I work with a girl who first of all has the metabolism of a bird. Or squirell (however you spell it) for that matter. I mean what animal could eat seeds and nuts ALL DAY and be the very same weight all the time. Nuts are very fattening. Anyhow......not only is her metabolism too high for me to imagine....she has a fidget issue too. (we will address later) The point is....one of the guys I work with came into my office yesterday and was standing there with the "here's your sign" look. At first...I thought OH NO, what did I do and FORGOT about. Thankfully....this time it wasn't ME. (whew) He said....there is a plate in the trash can. HER plate that she was just eating off of. He said he asked her WHY she threw her plate away...and her response: (drum roll) I didn't FEEL like washing it. (feel free to gasp in horror) I'M SORRY........YOU MUST BE FILTHY RICH!!! Who throws their DISHES in the trash because they didn't want to wash them. I then realize this is coming from the very same chick who flipped her keyboard over....shook out enough crumbs for a sandwich (no lie) and ATE THEM!!!!!! Right in front of me!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH. What has this world come to? Good grief Charlie Brown!!!!

So, tonight I watched my friend's children...3 of them and we had FUN. They came here and we played with the kitties. OH they hate me now (the kitties). Shadow (drama queen cat) stayed on top of the fridge hissing and yowling. Gage (I don't care cat) laid around, eyes narrowed at me. And the Bashu kitty (as we call him) was the entertaining one of all. The youngest of the children is nearly 2 (I think) and she wanted to sit sown and roll the cat toys back and forth. Out of NO WHERE comes Bashu..tackles the ball and Lydia jumps up...I mean MAD MAD.....yelling at that kitty!!! It was so funny.....he kept doing it and she finally decided it was funny too. So her and her sister began playing throw the balls around the house for the kitty to chase. He was dizzy I think....LOL.

My goal this week is to spend more time with God. I have been keeping my schedule so full that the time I do get to sit...I'm finding myself falling asleep from being so exhausted. I am going on a beach retreat next weekend with a group form church and we will be focusing on solitude and time with God. I'm so looking foward to that. I pray...I talk to God through song and I keep in touch with Him all day long, but to really SIT and hear His voice. For more than 2 minutes. A dear friend and sister in Christ shared a verse with me this evening and told me to make this my promise: I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8
How awesome and true that is. Each night how often do we lie in bed re-living every moment of the day that is over and in the past and we have NO power to go back and change. Are we looking back at the lessons learned or fretting over the mistakes we have made. Building a force field of regret? That very force field of regret we go to bed with will be the wall around us the next day that shuts God out and holds in all resentment towards ourselves or others. I believe I spend entirely too much time re-hashing rather than learning. God is so HUGE. He has this whole thing laid out already...and no matter HOW LONG or how HARD we think or regret or re-live or ponder or build anxiety.....it will all fall into place exactly they way God has it laid out. So, I say....sleep in peace...know He is God. He is sovreign and is guarding us. After all......"I tell you my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear Him who, after killing the body, has power to throw you into Hell. Yes, I tell you fear Him." Luke 12:4-5

I spend ALOT of time worried about what I said or how I said it. Are they MAD? And various other things. Dwelling on these and other thoughts builds fear. In severe cases....some might even become so afraid of hurting others or so afraid of what others think that they close down. And that will prove disaster.

Bottome line for this rambling on is this.....the past is DONE. Let it go....the future is in God's hands...let it be. Trust in Him. Enjoy every moment in front of you....every breath......because before you know it.....these moments, too will be past and DONE and when you sit dwelling on them.....will they be filled with fear of what you didn't do or what you should have said.....or will you be smiling and praising God for those moments??

2004-10-05 - 9:38 p.m.

TEST TEST TEST....I feel like a microphone...check one two three. Test....I feel like I'm always being yelled into TEST. It is part of the growth process. I welcome it, not complaining, but sometimes....there are somethings I would RATHER not re-live in my life. It HURTS when I feel like that may happen. I start slipping into "homesick" mode wanting to go home and not fight this battle anymore. But I know it is God's will. And I must do what He says. Even if it does hurt. That is why He gave us friends and His word and Jesus to guide us.

Stress and mexican food are not good things to combine together on your stomach. I'm in PAIN. Ugh. It is MY fault...I should know better.

I come home to find the screw driver in the middle of the floor. Wonder just WHAT the cats were doing today. I carefully checked my chair to be sure it wouldn't fall to pieces as soon as I sat in it. I seriously wouldn't put it past these 3. After all, I sit and LAUGH at them while they are getting the fur kicked off them day in and day out by each other. Why WOULDN'T they want to see me fall. I love my cats. They entertain me.

My son, also very entertaining individual. We are at the mexican place eating. He has to go pee NOW!!!! SO, he is gone in a flash. Gone for minutes upon minutes upon minutes. Concerned he may have fallin into the toilet...I asked a friend to go check on him. He was stinking up the bathroom. Which he didn't like 20 minutes prior. See, he first went to the bathroom and returned disgusted and said..."I don't LIKE that bathroom". Oooo k.......I couldn't get it out of him as to WHY. Finally he just said...it's NASTY. (hmmm, wonder where he gets THAT from) but he goes eventually. When he returns, he is no doubt feeling better. He sits down, sighs a deep breath and proceeded to fill me in on size, shape, etc. I said...."NO NEED"....he sighed again...."I feel better though". I about died. It was one of those "had to be there" moments. It was all in his expression and tone. MY SON. I love him to pieces. What a blessing he is.

I'm going to TRY and sleep tonight. A few nights ago I fought off spiders in my sleep leaving me wounded. (no kidding) and I now have a weight I am holding that might make it hard to sleep. Suggestion to self: GIVE IT TO GOD DORK!!!!! I will certainly do my best.

2004-10-04 - 9:19 p.m.

An interesting few days I suppose. I am presently in terrible PAIN. My neck has a cramp in it. Has been there ALL day. Like I slept wrong or something. What stinks....I was hugging my best buddy tonight and it HURT me. Because I'm so short and had to tilt the head upward a little. Tears wanted to fall...but I fought them so as to not make my buddy feel bad.

I have decided I HATE being on call for work. ANd apparently so do all the drivers. YAY!!! So, there shouldn't be any problems when I tell the boss I no longer want this position. It consumes too much of my sanity. Robs me of it, actually. I just do not enjoy it like I used to. I guess since I no longer work in dispatch...I'm out of touch perhaps and I hate feeling that pager vibrate during the Lord's Supper on Sunday and hearing the rudeness of customers calling during church hours wanting silly things. It pays OK, but I'm praying on whether or not it is worth it.

I had the potty mouth today. All the stress from this past weekend and dealing with ignorant people today and my neck hurting and I started....and and and....LOL. I could find every excuse when really...I just shouldn't talk like that at all...EVER.

I'm tired. Want to sleep....waiting for my sister to sign back on. She wanted to chat with me tonight.

I"m going to watch TV until I hear the bling of the IM....

2004-09-29 - 6:17 a.m.

I think the song Gravity by Shawn McDonald says it best as to what I'm going through. I don't want to fall away from you, but gravity is pulling me on down......I feel like somehow I'm being drug down. And I'm fighting HARD to go against that current. I want to be close to God and no one else. But I think we all experience those times where God just feels distant and it is then he is just stepping back a little to see what we will do. As I grow and mature as a Christian, I'm seeing more and more how God is stepping back. And I tend to just feel lonely instead of digging deeper in to His word and building my heart stronger for Him. I, instead find it easier to be dragged away and inticed. I'm growing. I thank God I can recognize this pattern. Thank God for that wisdom.

I did kickboxing last night. I got just one word.......OUCH. I am SOOO out of shape. UGH.

My cats are STILL insane. The kitten now is flipping his water dish OVER for fun. Each morning I have to wipe up water. Something I look foward to each morning, let me tell ya. Not to mention the purring and licking of arms in my sleep. WHY does this cat LICK me? Sandpaper tongue, dude....does NOT feel nice. But he is too cute to resist. So even though he is obnoxious and loud and breaks things and terrorizes the others.....I love him ;-)

2004-09-26 - 9:29 p.m.

How awesome is our God. How magnificant He is in all of His glory. I woke up this morning to go on to church like I do from the first service until last, but this morning God put in my heart to stay home. I got the chance to see our church's service on TV. And it happened to be the sermon our singles minister gave a couple weeks ago. And I was there for it and man it was right on and very powerful. God uses this man in so many awesome ways to spread His word. So, I got that dose which prepared my heart for the next sermon I would hear this morning given by Pete, our senior minister. Nailed to the cross is exactly how I felt. I was convicted on SO much this morning. The Holy Spirit was working in that place today. And I spent the rest of the day in deep thought about how I've been living my life. Am I truley living FOR Christ or going through the motions. I know in my heart I'm in LOVE with Him. But, is my daily life SHOWING it. Am I using ALL of my gifts and blessings to further His kingdom? Am I stepping too far into the world again. I saw the most beautiful sunset tonight. Fire in the sky. He paints us a magnificant portrait each night. Before we go to sleep....there it is for us to admire. Even if it is raining. It is there...somewhere for some to see. I could gaze into that sunset for hours if it were there that long. Watching the sunrise over the ocean has always been a favorite pastime of mine. Lord willing, I will get the oppertunity to see it again in a couple of weeks.
Another thing I was getting caught up in thought over is how in a year;s time I have been transformed into this beautiful person I never thought could ever exist. I have been loved and forgiven all my wrong doing. It is forgotten.....I just cannot grasp that. That grace and mercy given is more than I can fathom and when I try to ponder how awesome He is.....I'm overwhelmed....awe struck and brought to my knees. Tears fill my eyes. The butterflies in my stomach are more than I can bear. If I could spend every moment of the day and night on my face before Him.....I feel like that is all I want to do. He saved me. He called my name out and I heard Him. He pulled me out. I don't have to go to Hell. I'm counted as His.
Our pastor spoke of how he rarely hears the prayer.....Lord, come quickly. I cry that out in my heart so much, because I'm weary and tired. This world has NOTHING for me. I'm tired of hurting, sinning, being tempted. Seeing and hearing of illnesses and children dying. This place is dark and cold. He is the ONLY hope that I can hold on to in this dark place. That is why I cherish nature and solitude in nature with Him. I feel ike it is there that I cannot be distracted by wordly things and life and I can just be with Him. I'm homesick and now more so than ever because Heaven is becoming more of a reality for me as I grow and mature as a Christian. It is HOME. I want to go home, but I know I must do His work here before I can go there. And I'm willing. I will do anything for Him. He saved me from the depths. He created everything and everything is His.
Think of the universe. How HUGE it is. And endless. Just billions upon billions upon BILLIONS of stars and galaxies and SPACE. Billions.....compared to the vast expanse of this universe....we are NOTHING. Absolutly microscopic. And even beyond US....there are thing WE cannot see without a microscope. THINK ABOUT THAT. WOW. God is HUGE...pondering these things over and over...makes you realize MORE, just how it isn't all about US. OH NO my friends. Give God the glory. Praise Him. Love Him. For He is worthy.....

2004-09-21 - 7:29 p.m.

After all the drama last night, we have discovered a flu bug. Or shall I say it found us. My son woke up this morning with a really bad headache and he has slept the entire day with the exception of about 3 hours total spread out here and there. I have not felt 100%, but not as bad as he does. It breaks my heart when their sick. God will heal him. This I know for sure.

I spent this evening cleaning house. (joy) Since my son was asleep, I had nothing else better to do. Plus I love a clean smelling house. I burn alot of candles.

I have not heard a "no" on my Jeep, so I'm guessing the deal went through and it is mine now :-) I really like this vehicle and I'm thankful to God for providing. On top of my "list" next is getting my finances straight.

I'm going to get back to cleaning. Pray for Brandon and myself please as we cope with the bug that found him.

2004-09-20 - 8:48 p.m.

My frustration level is out of control. You would think there would be a cap on this sort of thing. Here's the combo...achy, overtired, broke Mommy and cranky, overtired, getting sick 7 year old who never gets his way at a Cub Scout meeting. Generally NOT a combo I prefer. And I tend to AVOID these at all costs. However, tonight it was just not avoidable. Let's back up a few days.....

I went with 37 teenagers and 5 other adults to a beach retreat in Myrtle Beach, SC. AWESOME time. FUN FUN FUN. I really enjoyed the kids and all the spritual uplifting. I learned alot of things I didn't know and got to know some of our youth better. The downfall....no sleep. 6 hours over 2 days and non-stop busy busy. I was a zombie when we returned last night. And went to bed extremly early, but I do believe I'm still recovering. I'm so exhausted tonight I'm cranky and frustrated. My child has not been behaving or listening and I'm allowing his "normal" child-like behavior to make me mad. This is in additon to the previously mentioned combo. So, he is grounded. And now I'm on his "list". To top it all off.....I go in his room to tuck him in, and I step on what feels like a very sharp nail. It was a toy. That was it. His room hasn't been cleaned up like I had asked and he got scolded for that too. *sigh*

I need a bubble bath and a grateful attitude that I only have one child.

2004-09-16 - 10:05 p.m.

3 inch furry 8 legged creatures and I CANNOT dwell under the same roof and both live. One of us HAS to go. Tonight it was the 8 legged thing. I come in from my day and low and behold....a furry things is sprawled out on my kitchen floor. OH NO NO NO NO NO. I drop ALL my groceries to stomp it. As I lifted my foot up....it fell off the bottom of my shoe and I HEARD it "splat". SPLAT!!! This is a SPIDER, not a small animal...although it was large enough to fall into that category. Gross I tell you, just NASTY. I have the worst fear of spiders. I HATE THEM. They make me want to throw up.

Hurricanes......tornados....wonder what message God is trying to get across....in the last month over 130 tornados have touched down from Florida up to North Carolina/ Virgina. I believe that is a record over the normal tornados in tornado alley. Flooding. All these natural disasters. While facinating they may be....there is a reason. Something to ponder...

2004-09-15 - 10:59 p.m.

I'm so totally ready to have time to rest with God. Without all of this "life" stuff going on. Just peace and quiet. I have felt much like a VERY absorbant sponge the last month. So much going on, so much changing, so much growing, so much so much. While I am not on the verge of nervous breakdown (yet) I am quite ready for a break and time to rest. The 6 hours a night of sleep doesn't count.

I'm learning alot about me. And how I interact with others and how they see me and all of this I end up dwelling on. I have had a few conflicts with someone lately and it has caused me to step back and look within. I cannot change them and even though I may think something is wrong with them, doesn't mean it is. So, I must look at myself. WHY does this person make me feel this way. How am I reading things? Is it worth a solid friendship to allow simple things to rip apart my mind? It is one thing to express your feelings to someone when they hurt you. It is another to expect them to change. In all of this....I see that I have taken the focus off of Christ when I interact with this person. It isn't that they are acting any different. I'm just looking at them with wordly eyes. There are some minor things that have hurt me, yes. And I have brought that into the light and I need to allow God to deal with them. And move on. Instead, I have let this consume me. Among a zillion other things. I have become so worried that I'm not doing a good job in certain tasks. I feel like an outcast at times. Satan is crafty. The plus is that I can recognize these things. And I'm willing to work towards becoming less dependant upon MY thoughts and be more dependant upon Christ. In doing so, I won't be stressing myself. I have this wish and hope that all could come to Christ and sometimes wonder HOW I lived how I did. And even more scarey, but a good thing I guess....I'm slowly forgetting alot of my sin from the past. Some would say it is because I have truley been forgiven and forgiven myself and being allowed to forget as God forgets. Some others would say it isn't good because I should always remember where I came from. I do remember all too well where I was prior to Christ. It is the details and situations that are fading.

Ramble ramble. Anyhow, I'm waiting for my laundry to complete it's cycle so that I can go to bed. I am tired. Bottom line, I want to serve Christ. Nothing else in this world could draw me to such a deep passion. We get excited over a new CD coming out, or a game we have been watching. Our team scores!! Do we get THAT excited for Christ? What is our passion? We do not know when our time will be. Could be in the next 5 minutes. Who knows. Are you living each moment for Him? When He asks you....what will you say? I ponder these and many other thoughts.

2004-09-07 - 6:13 p.m.

Some would say that forgiveness is easy to give and others would say it really depends on the situation. I have heard that when you have Christ in you and you depend upon Him for everything, forgiveness wouldn't be that difficult. But on the same token, we ARE human and sometimes we want to hold onto something for a little while before giving it up. Even if whatever we are holding on to is hurting us. Perhaps it is comfortable. Who knows why we do it. When you and a loved one have a dispute and unkind words are spoken, there creates a wall. We create this wall to protect our hearts from further hurt coming from that person. Or ourselves. This is where it gets kind of tricky and I have found myslef doing this. Shutting myself out from myself. Seems odd, but I can say some pretty hurtful things to myself. Christ is guiding me through this.

I had the chance to put something to rest today that had been weighing so hard on me. I tried to give it all up to God. What I was confusing myself with was, when giving up something to our Father, means giving up the desire to control it. The hurt feelings were real. Deep. And this was the first time I had had these feelings about this certain person. Confirming more in my heart that I truely do love this person. There never really was a doubt, but having a more solid confirmation makes me have peace in knowing that this truely IS my best friend.

I prayed on how to approach in love. I have a bad habit of "sounding off". My tone in how I talk to people is very cold at times. Funny, I was looking at myself in the mirror the whole time. And THAT is quite possibly the lesson I needed to learn through all of this. I told this person that I thought they talked to ME like this all the time, and while they DID, I realized by what they said, I was doing the very same thing to them. I thank God for this lesson. I thank God for the chance to make ammends with my best friend and I'm thankful, too that I learned this lesson through that friendship.

2004-09-06 - 8:51 p.m.

Pain and suffering is something that is just a fact of life. There is no way out of getting your heart broken at some point in your life because we as humans make alot of mistakes and hurt each other. I know I have hurt alot of people in my life. This is something that hurts me tremendously. I try to do everything I can to fix what has happened. But what hurts is when you aren't forgiven. When whatever you have done has damaged a friendship. I'm so glad I have God to run to in these times. I don't know what I would do if He wasn't there for me right now. But through this storm I know there will be a beautiful rainbow on the other side. Sure I'm hurt. I cry. I get angry. But even in all of that I have peace. Something I had never known until becoming a Christian.

My only fear in this pain is closing my heart to any situation similar to this. For fear of another heartache. And still, that would be not trusting God. When I first entered into this situation I thought well, there is a lesson here...really not sure what it is, but I'm willing to learn. And it hurts learning. Because I'm picking up on alot of the clues and piecing it all together now and in doing that I'm seeing where all of my mistakes were. I'm growing. And these are growing pains. I find a great peace in knowing that God knows what is going on. He is in control. I will not be given any more than I can handle. He is my rock, my shelter. He doesn't like to see His children hurting. But in this world we just can't escape it. But having a firm foundation to stand upon, keeps us from being blown away in the midst of life's greatest storms. Having His word in you, calling upon Him to comfort. He never fails. He always answers. It is very humbling when things don't go how we planned. Keeps us in check. We are not in control of anything in our lives except the free will to choose between God and the world. And seeing how this world treats itself and everything in it.....I do not want to be on that side. There is no love, no peace. With Christ there is only love and peace. No dismay. Not very hard to see which way I want to go. Took me awhile to figure it out....but I got it. And I'm done with this world. The only thing I want as far as this world is, is to see people from the world come to Jesus. I pray Lord come quickly. Take us home. Until then, Lord guide and direct us. Love us and shelter us.

2004-09-05 - 3:24 p.m.

NOSTALGIA......

So I'm unpacking things. And I'm going through deciding where to put things. I come across some photos that were found out in the building at the house I just moved out of. These are precious photos of myself when I was a little over a year old or so. Maybe 2. My Grandpa had taken these photos and being out in this shed...they got a little weathered. Anyhow, I decided to drag out the "box". I have not looked at the items in this box since I came to Christ and going through it this time....I shared with my son. This box contains many many photos of my younger years. And years before me. In these photos everyone seems so happy and lovey. I have very few memories of things being THAT happy. But as I was looking through them I began to think back on those days before I was Satan's child. I smiled...played. My little sister and I actually took cute photos. Combined with this great sense of nostalgia, I felt a sense of sadness as well. While thankful I am who I am today and knowing I wouldn't BE who I am today had I not endured what I had.....I sat there wishing somehow things weren't so tough for me. Hard enough explaining to an adult WHO my real father is, let alone explaining to my 7 year old. He had never seen any baby photos of me. He was in awe. I pulled one out and he said......"Mommy, did all the kids laugh at you?" AHAHAHA.....I had to hold that burst in. I told him I think we all get laughed at, at some point in our lives in school. (this photo WAS one to laugh at) AND yes I was picked on and laughed at ALL through school. I can remember coming home from school crying alot. Then getting sent to my room for being a baby. Feelings weren't supposed to be hurt. You weren't supposed to "talk" about your feelings. "suck it up". Kind of saddens me a little now to think my Grandma was and still is a Christian woman. Thinking more about it now I know why I never continued going to church and why I went the other direction so fast. If acting like my Grandma did was what Christians did....I didn't want that. Which plays such an important role to me now being a Christian in that I do not want to "say" I'm a Christian. I want to BE a Christian. I would hate to hear the words I used then to describe Christians used on me now. My Grandmother did the best she could seeing as she didn't "have" to take us. My mother was out there somewhere for a couple years and moved back in from time to time. She was lost. I'm sure my Grandmother had stress going on. It was clear that the whole family was mad at my Mom for leaving us. Because we weren't accepted. We were the problem children. And it was made out to others that we were WORSE than we really were, because when my Grandma lost it...she lost it. Over silly things. How sad it was I remember laying in bed at night thinking....what can I do...I'm 7...my Mom didn't want me, my Grandma hates me. My cousins and Aunts and Uncles won't talk to me much. They did because they HAD to. And I have few memories of hugs. My cousins would hug me from time to time when they first arrived for a week-long visit. But by the second day....it was LEAVE US ALONE MICHELLE!! All of this going on at home and then to go to school being laughed at all the time made for alot of bitterness building up. Which exploded at 13.

The whole point of all of this was....I don't know really....lol. Guess I just needed to write about it all. I have become a beautiful young woman in Christ. I believe this and I'm not saying that as far as an outward appearence goes. Thinking back on all the feelings I had growing up and then barely having ANY feelings other than hate as a teenager....I have grown tremendously. All of which is by the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.

2004-09-04 - 11:44 a.m.

Sea of faces. Billions of faces. Billions of animals and insects and trees and flowers and rain drops and lightening bolts and grains of sand and so much more than we could ever fathom. And yet when we hurt we can call His name to comfort us and He does. He knows each hair, each tear that falls. Sometimes we rely too much on people here on earth to comfort us. We call them to vent or to cry or to laugh about a funny joke. How often do we run to Jesus the instant something hurts? When we need comfort that people cannot give....Jesus will hold us in His arms so tight and make it peaceful. I heard a song that prevoked this pondering....it said that sometimes He calms the storm, other times He calms the child.....how awesome is that. While we always have some suffering, putting all our hope in Him during those times gets us through it. Nothing against friends, because Christ blesses us with brothers and sisters to walk with us, but there is no comfort they can bring that can compare to that comfort Christ brings. In any situation I'm in...I have found when I hit my knees and call on Him, I can deal with it better with Him guiding me. I feel lost and lonely here on earth alot. Unwanted by people at times, very sad and dejected. I think God allows for those times so that I will run to Him. Because I know He loves me no matter what. I'm not the ugly person I see in the mirror to Him. And better yet...He understands my hurts and fears while sometimes people just can't get it. Not because they don't want to or don't care...but some of them really can't understand unless they have been there. God had the power to remove guilt, shame, sadness and fear in an instant. I believe this with all I have and I just need to run to Him everytime. Weird how we know how awesome His comforting arms can be, but yet we forget somehow to run to Him first.....

2004-09-04 - 11:04 a.m.

I had an awesome Friday night I must say. Went to a local baseball game...The Warthogs.....saw some fun games in addition to a winning game and fireworks. My son got Wally the Warthog's autograph which he was stoked about. Plus he was able to run the bases after the game. I bought him a mini bat and he rode the carousel. Just an awesome evening. It's nice to break the day to day normal stuff and do something different. Especially with my son. He is at the cool age now where he is getting interested in things. I signed him up for Cub Scouts. I think he will adore it. He loves the outdoors.

I'm almost unpacked. I have to get some things in order and plan to do that this weekend. I'm glad I am done with the stress of moving. Thankful it took one day too.

I'm at work. YUK. Passing time as Saturday's usually aren't too busy in here. I'm grossed out by the nasty people who work here. All adults, mind you...but can't seem to clean anything up. Our kitchen here is over the top in nastyness. Food stuck to the counters daily. No one wipes anything up. ACKKK......I sent an e-mail out addressing it, but I'm nobody here so they do not listen to me. (go figure)

On top of all that I'm PMSing I think because my hormones are doing their dance. I am overly hungry, but not eating more than I should. (yay) Crying more than I should.....wonder when the water ends. Feeling "fat"...typical woman stuff. THANKS EVE. :-<~~

Anyhow...time to eat lunch. Praise the Lord it is a wonderful day.

2004-09-02 - 9:39 p.m.

OK Bonnie.....here is my blog...LOL....

I first must say that I'm stealing your Wonder Woman theme for a bit....so I start my laundry.....it's time for the dryer. I cut it on and I smell something burning. I look behind the dryer to see that the hose has fallen off. (great) This is NOT going to be fun seeing how Bobby had a hard time getting them IN there to begin with. Anyhow....so I think I'm smart and pull the dryer out. (hoses stretch, right?) Only to find out the hose is NOT long enough to reach. Well...I re-evaluate the space and see that I am just the perfect size to fit in behind the dryer with it pushed back some so that the hose will reach. Get the hose attached....stand up only to realize..I'm trapped. VERY creative manuvers to get out. That was funny....the cats were like...uh lady WHAT are you doing? SO..I get out. look back behind the dryer to make sure it the hose stayed attached. OF COURSE NOT. THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY. I'm not in anyway doing more Yoga poses to get BACK there. SO...I think. I will move the washer out climb behind IT to re-connect hose. Only thing is....the washer weighs 16 tons.... Enter Wonder Woman theme music here..... Brandon decides he would be the MAN of the house and help Mommy push the dryer back so I could secure the hose then stare at me in amazement as I climb out from behind the washer. THEN I have to push this 16 ton machine back. I broke a sweat but....I was PROUD of myself because I didn't break a nail AND I fixed it!!!! :-)

I'm almost unpacked. I think. I'm missing things already. I had to go buy oven mitts today. No clue where they went. I'm happy here. No more spiders to carry me off into the night...no more weird noises. I thank God for blessing me with this place. I thank Him for those awesome friends who helped me move in. (BIG HUGS) I will cook supper for ya one night!!!

I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. Never thought I'd be at the age where 10 pm is hard to reach without passing out.

2004-08-24 - 9:57 p.m.

Only 2 more days and I'm outta here. I have it all pretty much packed with the exception of my son's room. He needs his toys, you see. Kids do not do OK without them AT ALL. I have been losing sleep and tossing back and forth the idea that I just might be insane at times. I mean this move was the very definition of impulse. I woke up one morning.....said.....I HAVE to move. And it was settled. I found a place THAT day. It wasn't until AFTER I found it that I began justifing this hasty decision. And all in all...I'm making the right decision. I'm at peace with it. I'm just ready for it to be over with. This house has it memories of the last 5 years. My friend lived here before I did. I met her because she kept kids and I needed a kid keeper. We hung out, partied, have fought and even punched each other. But through it all....we have built an awesome friendship. She re-introduced me to Christ. And we have gone through ALOT together. She made the comment to me that ALL ties to these memories will now forever be gone. WOW. That hit me hard. It is time to close the door to what we know of this house. Move on and let it all go. Most of what happened here was sin. I look at this as a growing oppertunity. Perhaps that is why I'm so wanting to get out fast. Before I start feeling sad about it. ( I like to run from hurt when possible )

I also had conversation with a dear friend at lunch today that sparked some thought. I was pointing out something in him I saw and realized I needed to hear it as well. And it was this: he noticed that across from this restaurant we were eating at there had been a church he never saw. I said to him that it was probably because he didn't notice the small stuff enough, and he corrected me saying he spends too much time in the small stuff. And my response was....too much so that you miss the BIG picture. How much time do we really pay attention to the small stuff to the point where the bigger things get missed? Like....GOD. I mean He is HUGE. And we tend to forget Him. Sometimes I ponder how it feels when a Holy heart breaks.....we break His heart a million times over. What LOVE to continue loving us after all we do. Bigger than I can fathom. Deeper than we could ever know. I'm so glad to be a child of the King. He loves us.

I have shared my story several times in the last week with different strangers and have touched lives with it and I pray I continue to be an example of the LOVE Christ has for us. I always pray....send me, use me God. I want to be His light in this dark world. What about you? Do you crave worship? Do you honor Him before ANYTHING in your life? He can make you beautiful again....He made me beautiful inside again. And for that I am forever going to worship Him.

2004-08-19 - 10:00 p.m.

The term "wait on the Lord" is not something to be ignored. He will provide in just the right time. He is never in a hurry and yet always on time.

I finally got the call from a landlord for a condo I was told I was getting. I left numerous messages with her and nothing. I gave it to God last night after my awesome shove through a door He opened. Anyhow....I got the place. Signed today and got the keys. So, that's another thing accomplished. A friend was a little frustrated at the fact that they were very unprofessional about how they dealt with me. And that I "needed" to do this or that. My simple response is this......I have a peace in knowing this will not be my permanent home. This is so temporary. I'm not worried about those itty bitty details. Thank God I have a cheaper place to go to that IS nice...just needs cleaning. This house is robbing me. I need easier and cheaper. I'm so thankful for all He has done for me, I'm not concerned with the details as trivial as carpet.

As for Zippy the Wonder cat (my left over from the litter) he will die. If not by natural causes, certainly at the claws of Miss "I hate everything" the drama queen cat. This MALE kitten is chasing the FEMALE cat everywhere ALL DAY AND NIGHT. She is so beyond stressed out with this kitten. The older male....king I don't care cat....is fed up too. He NEVER talks. He is meowing like he is preaching the good news. Everyday I come home.....anything that was up ...is down.....and anything that was down is shredded. Everything is a climbing post now. Including MY LEG. My head has become a refuge in the middle of the night for the female being chased. Which has resulted in flying cat syndrome. (who knew they could fly) OH!!! You're NOT supposed to throw the kitty...(I get it now):-/ I have had about all I can take of the Feline 400 here. A few more months and the claws are out and the balls are cut off. (sorry guys) But, he will become more civilized (if that is possible for cats) when his manhood is GONE. Patience. Do not kill the kitties.

That's about it for now...gone to close my eyes for more cat flying through the night. ():-)

2004-08-18 - 9:48 p.m.

God is HUGE...have I mentioned this before? I did something tonight I thought I would NEVER be able to do without passing out. Speak in front of 100 + teenagers. About MY past. :-o This was not something I was prepared for. I was asked on the spot and I know God his hand in it. I couldn't refuse. After all.....I had been wanting to help these youth. They have a bad rap. And some of them righfully so, but then there are the ones who do nothing wrong and still get thrown into that category. Teenagers are in an odd space of life. Alot of confusion, growing and decision making occurs when you are a teen. I myself destroyed my teen years. There are too many out there who are doing the same thing. Statistics say that most of these teens who are "out there" right now may not come to Christ until they are in their 20's. I know I was never invited to meet Jesus. Until later in my 20's. How tragic it would be to not introduce Jesus to these kids. Time is not on our side.

I was so nervous, but I knew I had God right there. I needed to break that barrier. I used to be worried about what people thought. It is my story. Ugly as it is....it is who I was and I cannot go back and make it different. I can make it right from here on out. And that is my desire to let these kids see Christ in me and see what he has done for me. If he can change this possessed creature into a creature of Christ, just imagine the wonderful things he will do in these kid's lives. I have an incredible faith in Him that He will use me where He needs me. If I want to walk on water, I have to get out of the boat. This was major for me. VERY major. God is huge. And I love how detailed and perfect he is. I asked some friends if they wanted to come up to the youth room and hang out. I'm so glad they were there. Praying the whole time. THANKS GUYS!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

I'm reflecting on this whole thing as a growing experience. I spoke with a 17 year old female out in the hall after I spoke. I was glad she came to me and I am praying for her. God opened a door there. More growth. And I see it as a way to re-focus on God and His glory and not on all these problems I have been dealing with. I just need to let God deal with the details. And allow Him to guide me through all of the storms. It is so awesome to call on Him and run to Him. He is my shelter. It is ok to cry and feel overwhelmed and scared, but giving all of that to God is so important. He removes it. Amazing how He does that.

Take This Life

Written by Shawn McDonald and Chris Stevens

As I’m standing here, staring into the mirror

See the figure of a man trying to take a stand

And live for something more

Integrity is what I need and honor to my soul I feed

To give it up, pack it in, getting rid of all my sin that’s weighing me down

Won’t You come and fill

I want You to come and make me more real

Take this life, won’t You change this life

Come and make me whole

Won’t You take this life, won’t You change this life

Come and make me whole

In my pursuit of what is real

My heart is longing with a need to feel my soul come alive

I trudge and I step through the height and the death

Of a long narrow as I’m growing old

And soon I will be home

Won’t You come and fill

I want You to come and make me more real

Take this life, won’t You change this life

Come and make me whole

Won’t You take this life, won’t You change this life

Come and make me whole

These lyrics are from a song that is so beautiful and express so much how I feel everyday.

2004-08-14 - 11:29 p.m.

You see the disaster on the T.V. ...the destroyed lives. The people who have lost everything they own in a matter of hours. And they had warning. Sometimes we have no warning. My heart is heavy for all of those in Florida tonight who weep and who are homeless. My heart is especially heavy for those who do not know Christ. And for those who do, I pray they are praising God in this time. We sometimes ask questions like....why? This is obviously an act of God. It was said to me by someone ......to keep us in check. To remind us that HE is sovreign and He has all the power. What sobering images that flash across the T.V. screen. Can you imagine that you would come home from work one day to find your home burnt to the ground? Everything earthly possesion you own, all your memories, pictures, etc.....GONE. Heartbreaking to think about, but think of it like this.....when we die.....all of that stuff means nothing anymore. We can't take it with us. Sure, we like to leave memories behind, but the wonderful thing about us is we have memories etched into our spirits and minds. We have the Holy Spirit living in us. Whatever we go through....the Spirit also goes through. Though I feel sad for those families and their loss.....I'm also praising God because I know that He has His plan. WE are not in control of anything and seeing what has happened proves this. No one could stop a hurricane. Not ONE.

I know that fear...I survived a category 5. A tornado hit the shelter we were at. GOD is all powerful and magnificant. I think on Job nd the grief he endured. And how he fell on his face and worshiped God. WOW. Giving up all of myself to Him and living to glorify God is what I want to do. I want Him to make the decisions. I know He already is, but acknowledging Him as sovreign sets me free from the worries and strain of life. He gives peace and joy in exchange for your will. Praise God in good times and bad. praise God every second of the day. Every breath you breathe belongs to Him. He has the power to take it from you.

2004-08-13 - 1:52 p.m.

I think I have spent too much time focused on how MY life has turned out that I'm not realizing my attitude has been very self-centered. I have been praying for ME and MY plate and all that is on it. Understandably, we need to do this, however something just hit me and made me realize perhaps....JUST MAYBE.....I could let go of MY plate and let God handle it and start helping others and loving others in their time of need. MY stuff isn't too big for God. And I know His way is always perfect and everything will work out exactly the way it should. All of this has come about due to a comment that was made to me by someone out of love.....I haven't "looked" like myself and it is very noticeable that something is going on with me. That hurt. And it hurt because it was true. I need to let this stuff sit in God's hands and not think on it all the time. I'm perhaps missing all the oppertunities afforded to me to help someone else. And Satan has gotten in there too...pushing the buttons. Playing tapes in my head. Telling me I'm not good enough for this or that. I have become withdrawn somewhat because he has made up all these lies. The one truth remains.....God is bigger than all of that. God loves me and understands what I'm going through. I d not need to question His plan, I need to follow Him and do as He asks of me. Let my light shine for the world to see and not allow it to become dimmed by the woes of this world. I'm thankful that this person pointed out to me that I was "dim". Odd how sometimes we may think we are OK. Others will see things we don't and THAT is what we are here for. To encourage each other, love on each other, pray for each other.

I know one thing is true...I do not want to be sucked under by the gravity that pulls us away from God. The more I'm filled with Him, the higher up I am and the less chance gravity has of getting me.

2004-08-11 - 10:56 p.m.

Do you ever think about God and how huge He is? Do you ever just sit and stare at trees and grass and flowers? Thinking about how complex creation is and see all of His glory shining through it all? Look at a map, then think about how tiny we are in comparison to this earth, then look at the stars and how think about how huge the universe is. So huge that we have only discovered a small fraction of it. It all seems impossible. But, it isn't. It is GOD. He is the almighty. Can YOU hang the moon?Can YOU reach out and touch stars?

Not physically. Physically, it isn't possible...in the human form it isn't possible to touch the sun without dying before getting close to it, but in our hearts.....our Spirit CAN. When we close our eyes and breathe Him in, letting Him just fill us until we overflow. It is then we can do anything. His love is unfailing.....UNFAILING....think on that word....un-failing. Never to fail. NEVER. We know how it feels to be let down by people. To be hurt and sad. To make mistakes, and when we fall sometimes we say....I failed (again). But, with His love in us.....we CANNOT fail. His love is un-failing. His grace and mercy are so much bigger than our "mistakes" and the reason He sent Jesus was so we could be forgiven of our "mistakes" and stand tall. He raises us up, because He loves us so much. But, in order to be raised up, one must first be face down. Think about it, you cant pick something "up" that is already "up"....and we should not allow ourselves to get too "up" there. Feeling good is one thing, but being cocky and forgetting that it was God who raised you up, can be one of our biggest "mistakes". I know I would never have gotten to this place in my life without God. NONE of us would. He gives us breath each day. Including the ones who hate Him. That is a powerful thought too. If you had that power...could you give another breath of life to one who hates you? His love is unfailing. His love is eternal. He loves ALL of us. He created ALL of us. If we love Him, then we should love ALL He has done. Including the people who hate Him. That love is so huge and awesome, more than I can imagine. But I have tasted it....He has instilled a love in me I never knew. I pray that He overflow me with His unfailing love so that it may run out all the wickedness in my heart and I would no longer try to be the judge of hearts or try to be